The Ultrasound
The day of an ultrasound is always a very exciting time, it's definitely a day we looked forward to, so that we could find out the gender. When the doctor came in to see us it was one that we had never met yet. This office has about five or six doctors that you rotate through. You  never have the consistency of the same doctor. As the doctor came in to do the ultrasound it was obvious he was very rushed. During the ultrasound the doctor told us that he couldn't get a good view of the baby and so the gender was unknown. He then mumbled something about some of the organs were hard to see and then said "I'm going to refer you to a specialist because their equipment is a lot better, and you will be able to see everything more clearly." I'm not sure if it was my naivety but I thought going to see the specialist was no big deal. The doctor gave no indication in his tone of voice or mannerism that indicated something serious was wrong. 

The next day we went in to see the specialist on October 30, 2011 and I was twenty weeks at this time. At the specialist they had someone come and do the ultrasound for an hour. When I asked  questions they were avoided and passed over leaving me frustrated. Finally after an hour to an hour and a half the specialist came in. I will never forget the words that were then spoken to us, she said "your baby has some very serious problems and will probably not live." My heart sunk as I grasped D's (my husband) hand. I was in complete shock and the question ran through my mind, "how can this be happening?!" At the same time I was extremely grateful for both the candidness and the empathy that this doctor possessed. 

Doctor F then went on to explain that I had very little to no amniotic fluid and they could not find my baby's kidneys. She also said there was some problems with the heart and water on the brain. She also told us that although it was early we had a couple of options. These were to either be induced so that this baby would come early. The other option was to continue with the pregnancy for as long as possible. Our first and main concern was "is the baby in any pain?" to which we were told no. I have never believed in abortion (or whatever term you want to call it) but at the same time I had no idea how I would be able to carry this baby (for what I hoped would be) almost full term. "How would I be able to go through every day carrying this child I was so excited for, yet was so heartbroken about at the same time?" While everything was happening I kept thinking my baby's death is not a definite thing because I know that God is a God of miracles. I have experienced a few in my life, but I also know that it has to be his will.

We were devastated and sat there crying together as she continued to tell us that they had no idea what exactly was causing these problems and that they would have us talk to a genetic counselor to see if these problems were genetically inherited. She stopped intermittently to ask if we were okay and if we wanted to continue our appointment tomorrow. This moment was so painful I could not bear to drag it out no matter how difficult it was. As I looked at D and asked him I knew he felt the same way. 

We then spoke with a genetic counselor who told us she did not believe the problems were genetic but more testing would help us know for sure. We then went in the next day to have a placental biopsy done. This was so they would know if the problems were genetic or biological. The results from this didn't give us much information just ruled out that genetics were the cause, but also told us that our baby was a boy.

I will be forever grateful for great family and friends. Within a few days one of my friends came over and told me about her experience with losing a child. I cannot tell you how much strength that gave to me by her sharing about her heart break, love and loss of her precious baby. Her experience was very similar yet different in many ways and it helped me immensely. Regardless of how much time has passed, when you lose a child the pain is still very real.

Over the next few weeks I prayed more diligently and harder than I ever have in my life that my baby's life might be spared. It was within a few weeks after I began praying for this that my prayer was answered. Just as we have loving parents that do not always give us what we desire, so we have an infinitely more loving Heavenly Father that is the same. My answer was that my miracle would not happen, and that my precious baby's life was not to be spared. No matter how much I wanted my baby to live this was not the will of my Heavenly Father.