I knew that the days and months leading up to the birth of my sweet baby would be difficult and I worried about how I would be able to be strong enough (emotionally) to carry this child. I was worried that emotionally I would be a wreck. While I believe it is important and healthy to allow yourself to grieve and experience the feelings that come naturally I worried how I could possibly focus on anything else but the baby inside me that I knew would not live long.
I was very selective as to who I told about our situation. I was worried that any time the topic would come up that I would break down and cry. While sometimes this was the case other times it was easier to explain to people. I also didn't want people to befriend me because they pitied me and my situation. I have always valued genuine friendship and I didn't want to become anyone's project.
I knew that there would be some things harder for me to experience because of my situation but by far the most difficult for me was baby blessings. In my church when a baby is born they are given a baby blessing by someone that holds the Priesthood. Within the blessing they are given a name as well as told some gifts that God has blessed them with as well as some things that will happen in their life in the future. It was very difficult for me to be at church when someone's baby was being blessed. Part of this was because I didn't know if my baby would be alive long enough to receive one, and secondly because I knew there wouldn't be anything to mention with regards to his future. While I was happy for other people and their blessing of having a healthy baby it was EXTREMELY difficult for me to be present during a blessing . I also didn't want to be bitter towards others that had healthy babies, nor to be upset at God or bitter because of our situation. I know that often God's plan for each of us surpasses our understanding. So when there would be a baby blessing often I would go and stand in the hall and mentally and/or verbally list everything that God had blessed me with in my life. This was the only way that I could get through moments like this. Even after I did that I would usually be so emotionally drained or spent I would go home to continue crying and lay down for a bit. By doing this it helped me remember that I have a loving Heavenly Father that allows me to have challenges and trials in my life to help me grow and become like him. It also helped me to remember how truly blessed I have been in my life. If we always focus on what we don't have we can never truly appreciate what is in front of us, and I have been greatly blessed in my life!
